There are many reasons why staying quiet may seem preferable to speaking up and addressing the issue. Maybe we love and care for the person and don’t want to hurt them. Maybe the timing is bad. Perhaps it feels awkward and stressful having these conversations or we lack the language to communicate effectively. Perhaps the person is more ‘senior’ and it seems inappropriate, or we fear the consequences of speaking up. Maybe we fear the response of the other person and it’s just easier to say nothing and hope the issue goes away.

The problem is that these issues tend not to go away and hurts and frustrations can easily grow and fester under the surface. What started as a small issue can compound unless dealt with and result in behaviour which can undermine the relationship, and even the wider team, family or friendship group. Perhaps we start complaining about the person to others, sharing stories of how they have upset us. Or maybe we start operating on a purely functional level, withholding part of our true selves from the relationship, undermining any sense of closeness and trust. Or perhaps we finally explode with an over-the-top reaction for a minor issue because we have allowed other issues to build up over time.

 As leaders we have a responsibility to build trust amongst our people – be they work colleagues or family members – and this takes some intentional action on our part.  Here are 6 things you can do to facilitate an environment of honest, open and transparent relationships. The examples may be work-related but these ideas can also be applied well in a family or friendship situation:

1.     Acknowledge your own mistakes and shortcomings and be quick to apologise when needed.

How this helps: it gives permission for people to make mistakes, you model vulnerability, which builds trust, and you model a healthy way to deal with times when you mess up.

2.     When you apologise, be specific about what you are sorry for and acknowledge the impact your words or behaviour may have had on the other person. 

For example, “I am sorry I landed that big piece of work on you at the last minute. I realise it caused you stress and made you feel anxious. It was unfair of me to do that.”

How this helps: You model how to own your behaviour and recognise the impact of it on another person, which helps the person feel you understand how they felt.

3.     Create a culture of feedback in your team, so that giving feedback to each other is just something you do as a matter of course, for example within a team meeting or a one-to-one meeting.

How this helps: You help your team overcome the barrier of awkwardness of speaking up by giving people a shared language to use and building it into the day-to-day practices of work life, including giving space for your team members to give you feedback.

4.     Model openness and appreciation in receiving feedback from others

How this helps:  It is hard to give feedback to people who get upset, defensive or angry. By being open and grateful for feedback you model a growth mindset and demonstrate a willingness to learn, grow and change.

5.     Build in regular activities which build trust and connection amongst your team members

How this helps: It is hard to be open and honest with people we don’t know very well. Doing activities together where we laugh together, maybe even cry together, and share some more about who we are as people will build stronger bonds between us and encourage greater honesty and openness.

6.     Be a leader who cares, and sometimes that means being a leader who speaks up

How this helps: One of the top reasons people don’t voice their hurts and frustrations is for fear of upsetting the other person. However, when we truly care for another, we want them to grow and reach their potential. We all have blind spots which we need help from others to see and work on. Sometimes the most caring thing you can do is to (sensitively) bring to light what another person cannot see themselves.